Unwelcome late night visitors

This was posted on myspace by my best friend's ex-girlfriend. It's fucking hilarious! It's about her friend--this guy named Riley. I was actually laughing-out-loud when I was reading it.

Okay, so not all of you know my friend Riley, but after reading this, it had to be shared with everyone.

So Riley used to live in Portland and then moved. He is one of the most polite guys I have ever met, so it makes it almost funnier:

It seems like no matter where I move to I end up having to deal with an odd neighbor. My current situation is no exception.
The following happened just a couple days ago. Minding my own bussiness, in my appartment alone, finishing up a late night dinner of Jack in the Box's finest cuisine I hear a knock at my door. I don't know anyone in my complex, and very few in this whole city. Needless to say I didn't know who the hell was visiting me this late. I look out the peephole and see a girl in a tube top and short shorts outside. I open the door and she says semi-drunkenly "Is Nathan here?". "Umm..Nope, just me and I'm not Nathen." She says "Oh, do you have any beer?". "No, I just have some wine" SHIT- Why the hell did I just tell this poozer I have wine? "Do you think I could have some?"she says. "Well, I guess so!?, Come on in."
Damnit, I don't know this girl. Not attracted to her so don't question my motives. As most of my friends know I can be too nice for my own good. Anyway, she comes in and I fill a glass of wine for her. In the meantime she's telling me that she had got in a fight with her boyfriend and she was wondering around the complex in search of people with their porch lights on to party with. I tell her "Well, these lights are on timers and everyone's light is on". She continues rambling on and I'm thinking how the hell I'm going to get rid of this girl? "I think I'm going to go have a smoke outside" HINT! "Oh, I'll go with you, do you have one for me?" Arghh, "Yeah, I'll give you one". I only have one chair on the porch so I tell her to have a seat. "No, this is your place, you take it". Whatever. I sit down and she plops on my lap. What did I get myself into? So while smoking she proceeds to tell me all sorts of weird shit. She lost her virginity at age 11, she is a mother of two-one of which she had three weeks ago, and she was born in '88! etc... After smoking we come back in and she says she's gotta go check on her newborn. YES! Leave please. Not so fast, she wants to come back if the kid's asleep. I say "I think I'm gonna go to bed, but I guess you can try" STUPID Riley!!
What do you think she did? Yes, she came back, but not alone. She brought her newborn baby over along with her own pack of smokes! I'm thinking What the fuck!? By this time she's pretty tuned, so I say let me hold your kid for you. She saw this as a great opportunity to go have another smoke. As she went to go outside to smoke she walked right into my closed sliding door. Luckily she brought a bottle over for her kid. I stood in my kitchen holding, feeding, and burbing this baby. Not quite finished smoking, she comes into my place with her cigarette and holds it up to my face to give me a drag while holding her kid. What the hell, get that out of here! After finishing her smoke she takes her baby. I mentioned she was wearing a tube top right? Well, while holding he kid the top slides down exposing her boob. Uhh.. How about I hold the kid so you can fix yourself. She really didn't give a shit, she just pulled out the other one to feed the kid. I'm standing in my kitchen with this chick I don't even know with her boobs hanging out feeding her child. Could it get any worse? Yep, the exposed, lactating girl tries to kiss me. Hell no! "What are you doing? And isn't your baby daddy across the parking lot?" She says "Yeah, but he's just a boyfriend." After dissing her move on me she decided to call it a night. Finally! I offered to walk her home and carry the child so she wouldn't drop him, but she declined. Poor kid.
Sure was glad to have that over with, but wouldn't ya know, she left her smokes at my place. Just can't win. Next morning - knock knock. Hmm.. I don't think I'm home. I take off and leave the pack outside my door so I wouldn't have to see her again. To my dismay, the pack is there when I get home. Later that evening - knocking. It's her. "Do you have my smokes?" Sure Do! Here you go - later! "Thanks, hey I was pretty drunk, did we uhh.. you know?" No Way!
Man, I hope that girl gets her act together. I feel sorry for the next door she knocks on. Rest assured if it's mine, I won't be home - even if I am. Damn, I wish I were a home owner.